Surgery is Scheduled for December 15

My X-ray 9/11/25
X-ray of an L4-S1 fusion

When I met with my spine surgeon on November 4, she said she thought that since I did get total pain relief (for 2 days) after the epidural steroid injection into L5, it is likely that surgery at that level could give me total pain relief long-term. While it’s clear that my scoliosis has progressed significantly, she does not think correcting the scoliosis is necessary to give me pain relief. My L5 (fifth lumbar vertebra) is partially sacralized, meaning that the left half of that vertebra is fused to S1. The result is that instead of a normal box-shaped L5, I have a wedge-shaped L5. My understanding is that it is a congenital deformity (meaning I was born with it), and that is likely what caused my scoliosis. Imagine stacking box-shaped blocks on top of a wedge-shaped block. The shape would be curved rather than a straight tower. It seems like the lumbar curve developed first, and then the thoracic curve developed to compensate. Most people with scoliosis do not have the deformed L5 that I have.

A slice of my most recent MRI showing the wedge-shaped vertebra.

When I asked the surgeon if it would be possible to correct my scoliosis without fusing me to the pelvis, she said no. She explained that, like the Eiffel Tower, we need a triangular base to support all the hardware that extends upward. I spoke with someone who had a fusion from T3-L2, and her L3 was crushed by the hardware above, resulting in her needing corrective surgery to reconstruct the L3 and fuse her to the pelvis. I expressed my concern about having the smaller fusion surgery and then having the bigger fusion surgery in the future, and asked if it would be better to do it all at once if I’m going to end up with a bigger fusion anyway. My surgeon said, “If you want to avoid having multiple surgeries, don’t have surgery at all.” She explained that revision surgeries are often necessary with longer fusions. She also said, “If I thought it was inevitable that you’d need the T2 to pelvis, I’d say do it now. But if you were my family member, I would say to do the L4-S1 surgery first and see how you do.” She also thinks since my hip pain was relieved by the epidural, that this surgery would relieve the hip pain as well. If I continue to have pain a year after that, I could get additional surgery (labral tear repair and/or fusion of T2-pelvis). But if there’s a chance that this one smaller surgery will totally alleviate my pain, even for a few years, that seems worth it. So I went ahead and scheduled surgery for December 15. 

It will still be an anterior and posterior fusion (A-P lumbar fusion L4-S1), meaning the spine surgeon will have to go in from the front of my body and from the back. A vascular surgeon will first go in through my abdomen to safely create an access route to the spine, then the spine surgeon will remove the discs and put metal cages in the disc spaces. Then, they will flip me over and go in through the back to add rods and screws to fix the spine in the new position. The surgery should take about 6 hours, and I should be in the hospital for 2-3 days. Over the next 6 months, the bone should grow over the hardware, resulting in L4-S1 becoming one long fused bone. So the restrictions will be the same during recovery- no lifting, bending, or twisting for 3 months. But the pain should be way less than if I had the T2-pelvis fusion (the surgeon said T2-pelvis would be “this times 5”), and then once the fusion is completely healed, I’ll be able to twist and bend at all the other levels of my spine and pelvis. So by this time next year, I could be dancing again without pain. 

As much as I wanted to avoid surgery, I feel like I have exhausted all other options. I have been doing physical therapy and dancing, and while physical therapy improves my pain somewhat, and dancing regularly improves my mood a bit, dancing increases my pain a lot. While fusing L4-S1 will keep me totally away from dance and work for the recovery period, it could let me get back to the life I want with less pain after I recover. Hopefully, I can keep up Schroth physical therapy to keep my thoracic curve from progressing. If, after I recover, I still have pain or the curves continue to progress, I may need to have the T2-pelvis fusion. The spine surgeon said having the deformity at L5 already corrected, fused, and healed would give me a “strong base” for that surgery to be as successful as possible. 

I was hoping I would wake up feeling relieved to have made a decision, but I am still feeling a lot of fear and anxiety about the surgery and recovery, and a heavy sadness. Just a reminder from the universe that making the right decision doesn’t always feel good. Feeling scared doesn’t mean something bad is going to happen. Feeling anxiety doesn’t mean we need to turn back, and feeling sad doesn’t mean we are lacking something.

Over the next few weeks, I have to have additional tests and be cleared for surgery. I’m also getting a (6th) second opinion from a new surgeon tomorrow, just for good measure. I’m trying to see as many shows as I can before my surgery. To celebrate my 40th birthday, my brother and sister-in-law took me to a fancy French dinner and to see Masquerade, an immersive production of The Phantom of the Opera. It was très amusant! 👻

I will post again before I go in for surgery. As always, I thank you for your messages and I send you lots of love back!

Renée 

October Update

Our Halloween Circus

October went by scary fast. I had a cortisone steroid injection in my hip, which brought my hip pain to 0 for about 3 hours the next day. I also had a Transforaminal Epidural Steroid Injection (TESI) in my L5 region, which brought my back and hip pain to 0 for 2 glorious days. These outcomes are bittersweet. They gave me a glimpse at what my body could feel like without the inflammation and pain I’ve gotten used to, but they only lasted for a brief period. 

The epidural needle in my spine 😱

Schroth PT has been helpful in managing my pain. It’s been a lot of using props to passively put my spine in straighter alignment, and then breathing in that position. So again, the relief I’m getting may be a glimpse of what I’m likely to experience after a fusion surgery.

#vogue

My physical therapist also stresses that doing these exercises now is great preparation for surgery, since my muscles being more accustomed to holding the spine in a straightened position should allow for a greater correction of the curve in surgery. I saw the sports medicine doctor at the Harkness Center for Dance Injuries, who said my curves are more severe than anyone she’s worked with before. She said I’m fine to continue dancing as long as it doesn’t increase my pain; the problem is that it does increase my pain. I left that appointment feeling like delaying surgery would not be in my best interest.

I have an appointment with the spine surgeon on November 4th to discuss my options, considering the new information that these non-operative treatments have given us. 

Kaa is doing well! He is eating and eliminating normally now! His spine looks pretty gnarly at the segment where the infection is; the bone looks almost like a fracture, and the scales look scarred. But it doesn’t seem to be slowing him down anymore, so the vet said we can just monitor him from here forward. I’m feeling relieved that he is not rapidly declining, and hopeful that I’ll have a few more years with him. He seems to be enjoying all his curves.

Enjoying the sun on his cuddle mat
Having a swim in the tub

I came across this online, and have taken it as inspiration for this in-between time.

I’ve been making sure to do something fun and values-based for myself at least once each week. I think I’m hitting a good balance of solo and social adventures. I’m also being patient with myself when I need to just rest and recover for a day or two. Here are a few photos and videos from my October outings. 

Psycho with the NY Philharmonic (with my brother and sister in law)

Spooky Spine and Wine with the Bionic Project (with new scoli-friends)

📷 @bionic_ballerina
It’s been so encouraging! to speak with
ballerinas with spinal fusions! 🩰

Hocus Pocus at the Rooftop Cinema Club (solo)

Death Becomes Her on Broadway (solo)

No Kings Protest in Brooklyn (with a new friend)

It was a beautiful day for a protest!
We took an outdoor yoga class in Fort Greene park beforehand, to stretch our marching muscles and ground our grievances 🧘🏻‍♀️

Petey USA at Webster Hall (solo)

Petey is a fellow Loyola alum 🐺 and it was so great to dance and sing along to his hella-relatable lyrics in a friendly crowd 🙌🏼
“Lean into Life”
Surprise cover of “Hand in my Pocket”
Love me some Jagged Little Pill, so I had to share my excited face 😁
“Pitch a Fit”

Hike in Fahnestock State Park (with my brother and sister-in law, and her coworkers) during a weekend upstate.

Bella loves watching squirrels and birds and falling leaves

George Takei speaking at Brooklyn Public Library for Banned Books Week (with new friends)

George Takei speaks out against censorship at BPL Banned Books Week event

I’ve also been taking Broadway Jazz classes at Mark Morris

And taking Rex and Bella to Fort Greene park, reading under the trees 📚🍂

Brooklyn really goes all out for Halloween!

And Ethan Hawke lives in the neighborhood! I was too shy to trick-or-treat him though 🙈

I enjoyed handing out candy with our fam, though!

I miss all my former clients and think of you every day! I always enjoy hearing from you and I’m sending you lots of love back. ☺️

Thank you all for reading and sharing this space with me. I hope it inspires you to keep forging ahead on your own wellness journeys, even when it’s exhausting and confusing and lonely and time-sucking. And to still spend time on the activities that give you more life.

Happy Scorpio Season! 

Love, Renée 🦂

September Update

Happy fall, y’all! In the past few weeks, I’ve met with the orthopedic spine surgeon I mentioned before, a physical therapist, and an orthopedic hip surgeon. I like all 3 of these providers. I felt heard, understood, and collaborated with in these appointments. I felt like the focus was on addressing what I am feeling in my body rather than fixing a deformity. Yay! 

The spine surgeon took a new set of X-rays and reviewed all the imaging I’ve had done since 2010. She was visibly surprised to see the progression since 2010. She said that my curves do not seem to have progressed since I saw her last year, so that is encouraging. Surgically she would still focus on the L-4 to S-1 region rather than fusing my whole thoracic and lumbar spine. She recommended non-operative pain management, including Schroth physical therapy and a TFESI (Transforaminal Epidural Steroid Injection, a procedure where a steroid and local anesthetic are injected near a specific nerve root in the spine to relieve pain). She also referred me for a left hip evaluation to see if the labral tear is contributing more to my hip pain than the scoliosis. The first available appointment I could get with pain management is October 27. Meanwhile, I have 8 visits of Schroth PT scheduled in October. 

X-ray (flipped) / Schroth postural alignment grid

The hip surgeon reviewed my hip MRI and confirmed a significant tear in my left labrum. He gave me a lidocaine injection into the hip to help determine whether hip surgery would be helpful. It gave me some relief, but just for a few hours the following day. He concluded that the labral tear in my left hip is contributing to some of my pain, but not all of it. He recommends doing an arthroscopic hip surgery to repair the labrum. That is a less invasive surgery than the spinal surgery, and hopefully, it will decrease my hip pain. It’s about an hour-long surgery, I would go home the same day, and be able to return to dance or undergo spinal surgery in about 5 months. Having stronger hips should reduce my back pain and help support my spine, whether I decide to have surgery to correct the scoliosis or just focus on halting the progression of the curves through Schroth therapy. If I forgo the hip surgery and have the spine surgery, the tear in my hip could get worse and then it will be more risky to repair it with hardware in my back.

There’s my hip. The white part is the gadolinium contrast they injected into the labrum. Pretty cool.

I am still very fearful of having any surgeries, but I’m hopeful that the team I’m building will help me decide what is best for me. I know I do not want to have the T2-pelvis fusion. I’m still trying to decide if the smaller surgeries are worth the risks and recovery time, and if now is the right time to have them. I’m grateful for having the time and space to decide this for myself, but it is an exhausting process. In addition to the 2 surgeons, I also have an appointment with a Sports Medicine doctor (not a surgeon), whose specialties include dance injuries, scheduled for October 10. I’m hoping that she can give me more information about the non-operative route and help me decide which is best for me. 

The ballet intensive was great, and it affirmed for me that being able to dance is crucial for my quality of life. I enjoyed being back in ballet class and performing. I got re-acquainted with my physical imbalance, met new people, learned an interesting adage, and saw myself differently- in the mirror, in other’s eyes, and as I watched the performance video. Two women came up to me in class and asked if I had scoliosis. When I said yes, the first said that she, too, has scoliosis, and added, “I am really inspired seeing you here because you’re killing it, so it clearly hasn’t slowed you down at all.” The second asked what my doctors thought of me doing ballet, and when I answered, “They advised against it,” she said, “I’m glad you didn’t listen to them.” Those brief exchanges were really powerful for me. I felt seen as a dancer again, and also seen in a new way- as a Scoliosis Warrior. 💚

I attended a Broadway jazz class today, which was a lot of fun. I’ve also been attending reformer Pilates classes, which seem to be improving my strength without increasing my pain. I am attending support groups, putting energy into new friendships here, and even dating. I changed up my hair. I had a theater friend from New Orleans come visit for a weekend, which was really nice.

I also went to my first Renaissance Fair! 🧚

For now, I’m planning to complete 8 weeks of Schroth therapy and get the epidural injection to see if that combination may be effective in managing my pain. I’m also going to continue dancing and Pilates. If my pain improves with these non-operative treatments, I think my doctors would all support me in delaying surgery for the foreseeable future. In that case, I will reopen my practice and get on with my life! If my pain has not improved, I may go ahead with the hip surgery, and then figure out my next move once I recover from that.

Another piece of the puzzle that I haven’t shared much about is financial. I applied for disability benefits in January, and my application is still under review. That, along with changes to Medicaid, has been impacting my decision process as well. Even for a social worker, these systems are hard to navigate!

I know I am making progress, but I keep finding myself in the contemplation stage in the Stages of Change model. I’m definitely not where I hoped to be by now. But so it goes.

To my former clients, I always love hearing from you! I’ve been writing responses to all your messages in my journal. If we resume working together (that is an “if” because that will be up to you, not just me), I will have them to send you if you’d like! No matter where you are in your therapy journey, I am proud of you! There is so much chaos and hatred in our socio-political environment right now. Please choose love for yourself. I know most of us are spinning through all the feelings on the Feelings Wheel on a daily basis, and that is ok! Practice grounding in ways that feel good for you. Reach out to your supports. My referral list will stay up on my site for anyone who would like professional support while my practice is closed. I am still feeling confident I will reopen my practice, but I still can’t say when that will be. In the meantime, thank you for being present and patient through this process. I’m holding lots of love, hope, and gratitude for all of you. 

Have a splendid spooky season! 👻

Anniversaries

It’s the 10th anniversary of this post I wrote about anniversaries, so I thought it’d be cool to repost it.

https://reneegaubert.com/2015/08/31/anniversaries/

Anniversaries are cornerstones in therapeutic journeys. Therapy is a safe space to share the unique experience we have on anniversaries. Like having one foot standing in the past and one in the present, we often feel split open on anniversaries in a way that the people we share the only the present moment with just don’t understand. Particularly if that past moment was traumatic.

In sessions I use anniversaries as opportunities to reflect on growth and change. We can often see how much progress we’ve made and feel pride at how far we’ve come. Other times, we can see how much we are still struggling to overcome. Even 20 years later, scars can still like fresh wounds. It becomes glaringly obvious what has not changed. I know a lot of my fellow Katrina survivors are feeling that way lately. We may recognize that we still utilize unhealthy coping skills we thought we would have released by now, like self-harm, substance misuse, or disordered eating. Sometimes that invites feelings of shame and powerlessness. But how we meet that shame is always new- we can remember with compassion and grace this time, develop a new insight, change the language we use, build and add and reshape the meaning of a memory-and therein lies our power. So even that is a poignant illustration of the truth that I’ve found to be the most effective inoculation against suicide- I can’t promise things will be better than they are right now, but I can promise they will change. Even if what we are observing is unchanged, our lens is. It must be. We can trust time to take care of that much.

I’ve just celebrated my 18th anniversary with my own therapist, and I’ve been fortunate to celebrate many anniversaries with my own clients. Having to close my practice and interrupt the flow of time in our therapeutic relationships has been painful, but it has not interrupted the flow of my love for each of my former clients. It was really beautiful to have the time to intentionally terminate and reflect together on all the ways my clients changed in therapy with me. And if we are able to resume our work together, I look forward to exploring the ways we’ve changed apart as well.

As the English novelist and playwright W. Somerset Maugham once said, “We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.” I hope reading this post and repost will inspire you to reflect on your own anniversaries in new ways. May we all, changing, continue to love our changed selves.

August Update

Just trying to balance the Jenga blocks of life 🫠
📷 @j.eaglephotography

I had to switch insurance plans a second time, so my August appointments have been moved to September. I’m trying to take everything one day at a time, and being gentle with myself each time I come up against a roadblock that takes me on another detour to surgery.

Meanwhile, my pain levels have stayed consistent, so I’m grateful for that. My sister-in-law and I have seen 2 awesome Broadway shows- Buena Vista Social Club and Cabaret. Cabaret is one of my all-time favorites, so that was an extra special treat. Next on my list is Death Becomes Her.

Being here has reignited my passion for dance, but I am still nervous about increasing my pain and risk for injury. So I enrolled in an adult beginners ballet intensive with Brooklyn Ballet the weekend after next. I think that will give me support in reintroducing ballet to my body as it is now, and a better understanding of the range of motion I want to have long-term.

I’ve been able to reconnect with former coworkers from my Broadway bartending days, which has been great. I’ve also made more connections at another artist workshop I attended (pic above), and I am forming some new friendships.

I’ve been spending a lot of time and attention on my pets, which has been wonderful. In my last update I mentioned my snake Kaa’s spinal infection, so I want to share more about that for those who are interested. If you are afraid of or squeamish about snakes, you may want to stop here, cause there are pics incoming 🐍

Kaa came into my life in 2013. I was producing a show through my dance company, Broken Mirror Productions, based on Dante’s Inferno (“Seven Deadly Sins.”) I wanted to dance with a snake for the opening and closing numbers. When I booked Eiffel as the venue for the show, one of the owners told me he had a snake I could dance with. His name was Bob, and he was a Colombian red-tail boa constrictor. So I went over and met him.

Bob and I hit it off, and he was the real star of the show.

Just after I decided to move to NYC to focus on dance, Bob’s owner asked if I would adopt him. We did a pet swap- he adopted my cat, Toulouse, who was an inside/outside cat, so that he could stay in the Irish Channel neighborhood he was used to. I’ve missed Toulouse terribly, but I know he wouldn’t have wanted to spend his last few years cooped up in an NYC apartment. His new home even had a fish pond for him to explore, and I know he loved that!

Toulouse

After I adopted Bob, I changed his name to Kaa because I just did not think Bob was special enough for such a beautiful snake. Kaa and I have been through a lot. He was in the car when I had my accident—during my move from NOLA to NYC, the U-haul trailer I was towing all my belongings in fishtailed and I flipped over three times. Luckily my pets were uninjured, and my injuries were minor.

Kaa was a trooper for all 9 moves within Brooklyn during the 3 years we lived here (#subletlife).

He was also my co-star for many go-go gigs throughout the city.

I never planned on owning a pet snake, but now I can’t imagine my life without him. A lot of people don’t understand loving reptiles, but I promise the connection I have with Kaa is just as meaningful as the connections I’ve had with my dogs and cats. He knows I’m his mama, and he knows my other pets are his siblings. He is happy to be held by other people but prefers to be able to see me for a sense of security. He snuggles with me and expresses affection with little kisses and squeezes and snorts. He fascinates, entertains, and comforts me.

This post has also become a lookbook of my various hair changes.

When the vet showed me his X-ray in May, I felt even more connected to Kaa. Snakes don’t experience pain the same way that humans do, but to know that my dance-loving pet is also experiencing changes in his spine and limitations in his mobility breaks my heart.

The image on the left is a healthy part of his spine, and the image on the right is where the osteomyelitis is. It’s unclear what the exact cause is. In 2018, Kaa laid on top of his hide and was burned by his heat lamp. He was treated him with antibiotic injections and silver sulfadiazine cream right away, but it’s possible that the infection didn’t fully resolve.

The vet in New Orleans and the vet here in Brooklyn both agreed that at this time, antibiotic injections are unlikely to stop the progression of the osteomyelitis. So his treatment plan is to keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. He wouldn’t accept food for the first month after the move, which really had me worried. He has eaten twice since July 17 (I feed him frozen rats), and he acts like his normal self. He did bite me once when I was trying to give him oral pain medication, so I am holding off on that for now. He doesn’t seem to be in much pain- he doesn’t hiss or strike at me, doesn’t recoil to touch, and does explore and move mostly like normal. But as the osteomyelitis spreads, he will lose more mobility and likely stop eating. So there will be a time when I will have to make the call to euthanize him. I don’t know how quickly that time will come. Kaa is about 5’5” long, which is on the smaller side for an adult male boa. As you can imagine, handling him requires bending and twisting with him. Now with his condition, I am extra careful in how I handle him. I will be in a hard back brace and unable to bend or twist for several months following spinal fusion surgery, whether I have 1 level fused or 15. Not being able to handle him during what might be his last months with me is definitely a deterrent for having surgery right now. I’m trying to get in as much snuggle time, sunshine, and tail-handholding with him as I can, for as long as I can. 💚

To my former clients: Kaa has made a few cameos in teletherapy sessions, and hopefully he will be able to do so again once I reopen my practice. I’m still hoping that by October I will have a more definite plan for surgery and a timeline of when I can reopen my practice. In the meantime, please know I love and miss you all so very much, and I am rooting for each of you. I receive every message you send with love and appreciation, and I look forward to being able to respond once my practice reopens. A heartfelt thank you for letting me know Kaa is in your thoughts, too. He feels the love!

Pet ownership can truly transform our mental health. Pets fulfill our needs for touch and companionship, bring us joy and comfort, offer unconditional love, inspire us to care for ourselves as we care for them, and connect us to other pet lovers. Please give all your pets extra hugs and kisses, and remember to look at yourselves the way your pets look at you. We all deserve that unconditional love and adoration, always.

Love, Renée

July Update

I hit some roadblocks in healthcare coverage. At first, this frustrated me, but now I am grateful that it gave me an extra month to pause and reflect before going ahead with the surgery plan I was given before my move. Coincidentally, my snake Kaa was also just diagnosed with an irreversible spinal condition, and I’ve been struggling with that as well. I’ll share more about that in another post soon.

It was fitting that I arrived here in June, as June was National Scoliosis Awareness Month. Since arriving here, I’ve been able to just be– not working, not traveling, or packing or moving. It has allowed me to reach a new level of awareness of my scoliosis and myself. On June 26, I was able to attend a Scoliosis Meetup in Manhattan, hosted by a fellow dancer with scoliosis! In the 27 years I’ve had this diagnosis, I’ve only ever organically come across one other person with the condition (“I have scoliosis,” – “Me, too!”). But here, I was in a room with 10+ other people with scoliosis, specifically to talk about it. Rather than it being the trait I hope no one notices, the trait of mine that is unseen and unimportant, it was the trait that was shared. Celebrated, even. It was surreal, in a great way.

📷 @bionic_ballerina

I was able to meet and speak with several women who had spinal fusion surgeries to correct their scoliosis. I spoke with a dancer and a physical therapist who have had spinal fusion surgeries, and both are thriving in their careers. Most people who have spinal fusion surgery are not fused to the pelvis, but I did speak with one woman who had the surgery that 5 out of the 6 surgeons I have met with recommended for me- fusing T2-pelvis. I also met and spoke with women who have not had spinal fusion surgery and are managing their pain in other ways, including a weight lifter and one of her training clients over 70 years young. Most importantly, I felt community. I felt accepted exactly as I am and supported in whichever choice I make from here.

The increased awareness I gained in June by engaging with the scoliosis community and hearing stories of life after spinal fusion surgery has been followed by increased contemplation in July about whether the surgery plan I was given is really right for me.

All the surgeons I met with in New Orleans encouraged me to have the surgery here in New York for 2 reasons- New York has the best spinal surgeons, and I have family support here. But New York also has many nonsurgical treatment options that were not available to me in New Orleans, and having the financial support of my family is allowing me the time and energy to explore those treatment options as if it’s my full-time job. Having my brother and sister-in-law with me daily as witnesses and emotional supports through this is a game-changer, and I’m so grateful to them.

I am thankful for having the time and space for my awareness to grow lately; to learn more about the surgery from people who have had it before moving ahead with it, and to have time to develop a daily movement routine that supports the body I have now and reduces my pain without medication.

One of the surgeons I consulted with here in October did offer a different plan than the other 5. She recommended focusing on the deformity at the base of my spine, “likely tethered L5 nerve root,” rather than straightening the S curve. At that time, the idea of going through one spinal surgery and recovery just to have to have another larger one soon after sounded unappealing. But the relief I have experienced since reading Tight Hip, Twisted Core: The Key to Unresolved Pain by Christine Koth and using the manual therapy tools she designed has shifted my perspective about the true cause of my pain. So I have a follow-up appointment with that surgeon scheduled for next month. I also have appointments planned with a sports medicine specialist who has a dance background and specializes in treating dancers, as well as a functional medicine doctor. I am also hopeful that I may have better luck with physical therapy here, as there are more providers trained in Schroth therapy, which is specifically designed for scoliosis patients.

Having this time to slow down and rediscover who I am beneath what I do has been transformative. Beneath the therapist, the performer, the teacher is a whole person in her own body.

I attended a creative writing workshop in my new neighborhood a couple of weeks ago that was very inspiring. One of the prompts was to write about something that was once lost and then found. I wrote about rediscovering the part of myself that first moved here to dance in 2014. Here is an excerpt from a post I wrote in 2015 after living here for a year that captures that part of myself well.

Where I am in my life right now is about genuine self-expression. I spent a lot of my childhood and adolescence suffering and hiding. Self-expression through creative words and movement kept me alive. Dancing and writing poetry are how I have honored my experiences, acknowledged my pain, and found beauty in my vulnerability and my strength. As a child, dance class was the one place where it was safe to be in my body and have fun. I started practicing yoga as a teenager to heal my body and my spirit. My development as a professional dancer was a development of that healing. 

I worked hard to build a life and career focused on alleviating other people’s suffering, and drawing on my painful experiences to help others. I am very proud of the work I did as a social worker and I know I changed people’s lives. I was still suffering. Moving to New York and turning my focus to dance and yoga has been about letting genuine self-expression drive my life, rather than finding it despite my life. I am not just my body, but I am in this body. Taking ownership of my body and sharing it on my own terms is hugely powerful and healing.

That was really powerful for me to re-read. Once again I am in a position where I’ve taken a hiatus from my career as a therapist to focus on my body. I need to remember that I am not just my body, but I am in this body. Surgeons see skeletal deformities and their ability to correct them. As the adage goes, “If the only tool in your toolbox is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” The more I worked to accept the limitations on my body that would come with a full spinal fusion, the stronger I felt that limiting movement is not the answer for me; I think it’s about finding the right movements for me and my spine.

Now I am focusing on the life I want to live in this body, and finding a team of healthcare providers who can truly support me in creating and maintaining that life. I named my website moving-through-trauma because that is my mission statement. I believe trauma is not something you get over, but something you move through. I have moved through my own trauma through dance, yoga, and psychotherapy, and I love helping others move through theirs as well.

I miss my former clients terribly. If you are reading this, please know that I think of you every day, I am so grateful for the work we did together, and proud of you for all you do. I want to get back to sharing virtual space with you! But I don’t want to re-open my practice prematurely, so I am waiting until I have established a team of providers I trust to make a decision about surgery. I will post any updates here as soon as I have them. I cherish each of the messages you send me and send so much love back to you.

You can handle any curves (scoliosis pun intended) along the road as you move through your trauma, too. You are allowed to take the time you need to pause and reflect before taking the next step. And you deserve to find safe and supportive people to join you on the journey.

Love,

Renée

P.S. Had to share a cute video from our July 4th weekend upstate. Hektor loves chasing his ball, and my pets love supervising.

P.P.S. Kaa was sitting on my shoulder while I wrote this post; he says “hi!” 🐍

Greetings from Brooklyn

I’m safe and settled in Brooklyn! Thank you for all the well wishes on my journey here. The space my brother and sister-in-law have created is beautiful and welcoming, and it’s already feeling like home.

Satchmo strutting in front of Hektor in his donut, and Bella and Rex lounging on the couch while the humans were out for the day.

I am still in the process of getting a NY health plan and searching for the right surgeon, so I don’t have a surgery date set yet. In the mean time, I am enjoying being back in Brooklyn. Since the reason for my move back here is spinal surgery, the process has been wrapped in a lot of fear. It was nice to let go of that at the theme parks and focus on joy. My brother and sister-in-law have helped me make time for joy since I’ve arrived here, too. Here are some moments of joy from my first week back in Brooklyn.

My brother and I went to a NY Liberty game last Tuesday, and we beat the Atlanta Dream 86:81 🏀

Ryan and I both described the game as “a nail biter.”

Their mascot, Ellie the Elephant, is a riot 🐘

This past Sunday, we went to the Coney Island Mermaid Parade 🧜‍♀️

Coney Island is such a special place, and it definitely has similar vibes to New Orleans.

My sister-in-law made oyster headdresses for the 3 of us, which were a big hit. She also lent me some essential costume pieces.

It rained most of the week, but the sky was clear and sunny for the parade. It was perfect weather for sipping Coney Island Brewery’s Mermaid Pilsner.

I am grateful to be here with loving, supportive family, and feeling hopeful for the future. My fear is still here, but I am committed to allowing joy to take up more space. I hope you are finding joy in your summer, too!

💙 Renée

Greetings from Virginia

Just checking in from the road!

My brother and I had a blast at all the theme parks! Bella and Rex got to go to Dog Daycare at Disney and made lots of new friends. I recently found this photo of what must be my first theme park ride with my brother, so we recreated it at Magic Kingdom. Had to share!

All the activity definitely wore me out but it doesn’t seem like any of the rides aggravated my back! It was really wonderful to spend time with my brother, reliving childhood magical moments and making new memories together. Space Mountain was just as fun as we remember, and Guardians of the Galaxy Cosmic Rewind was our new favorite. The very first ride we went on was the Velocicoaster and that was also the fastest! I uploaded pics here if you’d like to check them out.

I am anxious to get to Brooklyn and get settled, but trying to honor what my body tells me and not drive too many hours each day. Looks like I’ll arrive in Brooklyn on Friday and will post another update soon! In the meantime, we are enjoying some time in nature. Xoxo

Made it to Florida!

Stopped in Tallahassee for the night. Rex, Bella, Ryan and I enjoyed dining al fresco at Outback Steakhouse 🐨

Today we’ll arrive in Orlando where we’ll be for the rest of the week:

Universal Studios Islands of Adventure on Tuesday 🦖

Hollywood Studios on Wednesday 🪐

Epcot on Thursday 🚀

Magic Kingdom on Friday 🏰

Animal Kingdom on Saturday 🦁

I’ve found some manual therapy tools that have really helped decrease my hip and back pain and increased my mobility, so I’ve been able to decrease my pain medication and have more activity the past few weeks. So I’m feeling relieved, excited, and hopeful for the week ahead! 🎢

My last few days in Nola, I was able to eat some of my favorite meals, go to a crawfish boil, visit the zoo, and watch the sunset at the fly.

Thank you for all your words of encouragement, and I hope your summers are filled with adventure too!

Love, Renée ✨

P.S. In case any of y’all are also going on summer road trips, here’s my driving playlist. I made it a few years back en route to NY, just by adding all the songs I could think of that had words like “drive,” “road,” and “car” in the lyrics. Enjoy! 🎶

Asking for Help

Squirrel!

As a therapist, I have emphasized the importance of honoring our needs and asking for help meeting them. I always say the goal is neither independence nor dependence, but interdependence. Planning for my surgery has been a great opportunity for me to practice this myself. I asked for help from friends and family before leaving for Ireland, but ended up preparing my condo to list for sale largely by myself. After returning from Ireland, it became clear I needed even more help packing to get on the road. So I asked again. My best friend flew in from SC last weekend to help me, and took the pic above on one of our walks. My brother is going to fly in on May 30th and help me load up the car, then drive with me to Orlando so we can go to Disney World and Universal Studios together. I’m really excited to get to have some sibling-fun-time (Renée ™️) before the surgery!

So I wanted to update y’all that I’ll now be getting on the road on June 1 instead of tomorrow, and also share that sometimes we need to ask for help more than once. I felt really vulnerable and uncomfortable sharing just how much difficulty I am having both physically and emotionally, going through all my possessions and those of my now-deceased parents, and deciding what to take with me. This condo is where I lived when Katrina hit, and while I feel ready to leave New Orleans, closing this door for good is really hard. Bending, lifting, and walking are also really hard! So I am having to grieve the body I had even just a month ago, and accept that my capabilities are more limited now. But with the support of my therapist and my wise mind, I was able to tolerate that discomfort and ask for help more desperately. Even typing the word “desperately” still feels uncomfortable, but it’s accurate!

Unfortunately, one of my closest friends has not shown up for me even after I made the ask several times and shared how hurt I was by her absence. I think it’s important to share that here too, because when we honor our needs and ask others to meet them, it doesn’t always turn out like we hoped. Some people are not able to meet those needs, and that is disappointing. One of the thoughts I uncovered was, “If I ask for help, and I don’t get it, it will hurt worse than if I didn’t ask.” But it clarifies the dynamic of the relationship and ultimately allows us to better meet our needs elsewhere. So while asking for help has led to grieving the friend who has not shown up, it has also deepened my relationships with the people who have. The connection, gratitude, and hope I feel now is greater than before I asked for help. I hope this inspires you to honor your needs, especially when they change, and ask for help. We all deserve support!

P.S. If you’re ready to ask a therapist for help, click below for my updated referral list. I’ve added clinicians licensed in AZ and CA as well.

Referrals 5-14-25.pdfDownload