At my 2-week post-op visit last Friday, my surgeon was impressed with my mobility and said both the front and back incisions are healing well. She prescribed a 7-day course of Prednisone to help with the nerve pain, and between that and the Gabapentin, the pain in my legs is now more of a dull cramping and aching than an intense burning and tingling. I’ve been able to sleep 6+ hours most nights this week, and I’m down to only taking Oxycodone if I wake up in pain in the night. I do still get fatigued easily, and the days go by quickly when you have to rest so much! But I am feeling great about my progress! I am happy I had the much smaller fusion because while it didn’t correct my scoliosis, I believe it corrected the issue that was causing my most debilitating pain with a much easier and quicker recovery. 🤗

At my 6-week post-op appointment on 1/30/26, I’ll get a new set of X-rays to see how the fusion is healing and how my alignment may have shifted. I should be cleared to resume riding public transportation at that time, and to sit for 45+ minutes. I was discharged from at-home PT yesterday. My instructions are to keep walking and doing upper-body exercises until I’m cleared at my 6-week post-op appointment to start outpatient PT. For our last session, we walked to the subway and up and down the steps, so #goalmet. 🙌🏼

Yesterday afternoon, Bella and Rex had a dog training session during which we walked 2.5 blocks and back. We passed by Ethan Hawke! 😍🥰✨ I’ve mentioned he lives in the neighborhood before, but this was my first time actually seeing him. He was on the phone (not the Black Phone), so we didn’t interact. I have had some dangerous encounters here that have made me fearful of walking alone outside, especially now that I am even more physically vulnerable, so I decided to parlay this casual crossing with one of my favorite actors as a corrective experience and use it as motivation. This morning, I walked 3 blocks and back by myself! 🖤

My brother and sister-in-law returned to their offices on Monday, so I’ve been on my own during the day. I’m scheduling friends to come visit and walk with me (and the dogs) each day, which would not be possible if I hadn’t had the time and energy to put into building social support here over several months before surgery. This reminds me of some moments in therapy journeys when a client may think they waited too long to make a move, felt a relationship was wasted time, regretted a decision, or otherwise felt put behind, only to discover that they are actually right on time, right where they need to be. This simply couldn’t have happened any other way. 🔮

For my former clients, here is my return to work plan! 🥁

My surgeon’s recommendation was to return to work at week 12, which would be March 9th, 2026. I plan to reopen my practice on February 2nd to give me time to ease back in slowly. I’m going to take February to work mostly administratively- notifying all my former clients that my practice is reopened, determine who is interested in resuming therapy, working out a regular schedule, etc. During that time, I’ll offer the same free 15-minute consultation phone call I offer to prospective clients to all my former clients. That way everyone has an opportunity to connect with me on the phone, free of charge, to briefly discuss how things have been going for you while my practice has been closed and whether returning to therapy with me is the right move for you. If you’d rather just respond to my email and then jump right back in, that’s ok too! There is also absolutely no pressure to return- my goal is always to support you in doing what is best for you, even if that means continuing to work with someone else or going it alone.

I plan to open my availability for chat sessions on BetterHelp in February, then begin opening my availability for video sessions through my patient portal on March 2nd. There is no need to worry that if you don’t return in March, you’ll lose a spot to a new client. Once I reopen, there will always be room for you on my caseload to meet at whatever frequency is right for you. I will always welcome you back excitedly! The only exceptions would be if I determined it would not be appropriate due to safety, clinical, or ethical reasons, and I would of course discuss those with you directly. 

My fees and policies will remain the same, but I’ll have everyone review and sign new Informed Consent agreements before resuming therapy. If you have any questions or concerns about this plan, feel free to email me. I’ll begin responding to emails and holding consultation calls starting February 2nd!

I hope you are all taking great care of yourselves, and happy Carnival to all who celebrate! 💜💚💛

Love,

Renée

I’m a week out from surgery, and recovering strongly! Walking with the walker gets easier every day. My legs still feel like they are not totally awake, and I have cramping in my calves and thighs that is a challenge to control. Hopefully that will go away as the nerves heal. I’m no longer feeling tightness in my hip flexors or the pinched nerve pain in my low back. I’m taking medication to manage the pain, as well as blood thinners to break up the clot in my lung. This Monday was the first day my pain didn’t hit 10, and I spent most of the day at 3. Today my pain got down to 1!

For the next 3 weeks I have occupational therapy, physical therapy, and nursing visits in the home. The occupational therapist already cleared me to do all my activities of daily living myself (with tools), and the physical therapist plans to transition me from a walker to a cane next week. My first post-op appointment with my surgeon will be on January 2, so after that I’ll be able to decide on a date to reopen my practice!

My brother and sister-in-law have been super helpful caring for my pets and me. Ryan fed Kaa for the first time last night, and I think he enjoyed that! 🐍 Aubrie gave Bella a nice long brush tonight, and I know she loved that! 🐶 Rex seems quite content snuggling with me in the bed amongst all my various pillows.

I’ve been getting lots of exercise prancing back and forth through the hall like a reindeer, so that’s festive. 🦌 I’ve been balancing that with lots of rest and watching all my favorite holiday movies.

Everything does take 3 times longer to accomplish. Case in point, I started writing this post on Monday. 😬 But that’s ok! I’m on my way to feeling more safe and supported in my body, and I so appreciate you all being part of this journey.

I hope you’re finding warmth, joy, and rest this week, too.

Merry everything! 🎄☃️🎅🏼🎁💚❤️💙💛

Love,

Renée

Here’s what my lumbar spine and pelvis look like with my new hardware.

My surgeon did have to place screws into the ilium. She discovered that the pedicle bone on the left of my L5 was missing (part of the congenital deformity that made the vertebrae wedge-shaped), so she wasn’t able to place a pedicle screw there. She said she had never seen that in her career, so she was fascinated by it. She also explained how that is likely what caused my scoliosis- she said it’s like if 4 people are carrying a couch and 1 person stops, the couch will fall.

Other than that, the surgery went as expected. I’m feeling relieved that I made the right decision with this surgery, and hopeful that after this fusion heals, I can correct or at least maintain my scoliotic curves non-operatively.

I was discharged from the hospital today, and Ryan and I are anxiously awaiting the wheelchair transfer so we can go home. I did develop a pulmonary emboli (small blood clot) in my right lung after the surgery that was caught on a CT scan. So I’m on a blood thinner that should dissolve it in 3-6 months. Other than that, my recovery is going as expected. Physical therapy had me up and walking with a walker on day 2 (Tuesday), and climbing stairs on day 3 (Wednesday). Over Wednesday night I had a fever and high heart rate which was what indicated the possible blood clot, so day 4 (Thursday) was spent doing several tests to find it and make sure there was no damage to my heart. My brother and many friends visited me at the hospital, which brightened my recovery so much! I also lucked out with a hospital room with a great view of the East River.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, and I’ll post again soon!

Love,

Renée

I’m out of surgery and I can wiggle all my toes! Will post again soon. Feeling grateful and loved!

Surgery is scheduled for today, December 15, 8am-2pm EST. At our pre-op visit, my surgeon reviewed my most recent MRI and an EMG and said they confirm a pinched nerve at L5 due to stenosis at L4-S1. She also said it is worse than my MRI last October showed. She said she wants to proceed with the plan of A-P L4-ilium fusion. I was taken aback to hear “ilium,” because my understanding was that I wouldn’t need the pelvic fixation screws with this smaller fusion. Dr. Fischer explained that it would be a judgement call she would have to make during surgery, after placing the screws into my sacrum. If the screws in the sacrum aren’t strong enough to create enough stability, I risk breaking rods or loosening screws and needing additional surgery. I had some concern that having screws through my sacroiliac joints could create new pain, like sciatica. She assured me that risk was low, and certainly lower than the risk involved if I were to need a revision surgery.

I reached out to my other providers with this update, since I had weighed all my options and opinions thinking this route avoided losing all pelvic mobility. My sports medicine doctor at the Harkness Center for Dance Injuries said she did not think pelvic fixation would significantly impact my mobility, given that the SI joint is not intended to move much anyway. She reassured me I would likely retain all my hip mobility, and aside from movements like arabesque derrier, I wouldn’t see much difference in dance.

Speaking of dance, this past Thursday a friend and I saw Alvin Ailey Dance Theater at City Center. The final piece of this performance, Grace, featured dancers in red and white. They reminded me of blood cells, and I think this will be a cool image to take into surgery with me. ❤️🤍

The next night, another scoli-dancer-friend and I saw Nutcracker Rouge, by Company XIV, which was a fabulously entertaining burlesque show. We purchased standing room tickets and were upgraded to a VIP loveseat, so our backs were grateful for that!

Yesterday, we had our first snowfall of the year in NYC. Rex is not a fan, but he looks adorable in his snow boots.

As my brother and I ride in an Uber to NYU Langone Hospital, I am feeling anxious but grounded. As I’ve often told my therapy clients, this anxiety does not mean something bad is about to happen; it means something important is about to happen. My therapist helped me visualize today going well, and I’ve been listening to recordings we made of the narrative I wrote. I trust my surgery team to do their jobs with care, precision, and ease.

Thank you all for the messages of support and encouragement! I will post another message here once I am out of surgery!

All the love,

Renée

October went by scary fast. I had a cortisone steroid injection in my hip, which brought my hip pain to 0 for about 3 hours the next day. I also had a Transforaminal Epidural Steroid Injection (TESI) in my L5 region, which brought my back and hip pain to 0 for 2 glorious days. These outcomes are bittersweet. They gave me a glimpse at what my body could feel like without the inflammation and pain I’ve gotten used to, but they only lasted for a brief period. 

Schroth PT has been helpful in managing my pain. It’s been a lot of using props to passively put my spine in straighter alignment, and then breathing in that position. So again, the relief I’m getting may be a glimpse of what I’m likely to experience after a fusion surgery.

My physical therapist also stresses that doing these exercises now is great preparation for surgery, since my muscles being more accustomed to holding the spine in a straightened position should allow for a greater correction of the curve in surgery. I saw the sports medicine doctor at the Harkness Center for Dance Injuries, who said my curves are more severe than anyone she’s worked with before. She said I’m fine to continue dancing as long as it doesn’t increase my pain; the problem is that it does increase my pain. I left that appointment feeling like delaying surgery would not be in my best interest.

I have an appointment with the spine surgeon on November 4th to discuss my options, considering the new information that these non-operative treatments have given us. 

Kaa is doing well! He is eating and eliminating normally now! His spine looks pretty gnarly at the segment where the infection is; the bone looks almost like a fracture, and the scales look scarred. But it doesn’t seem to be slowing him down anymore, so the vet said we can just monitor him from here forward. I’m feeling relieved that he is not rapidly declining, and hopeful that I’ll have a few more years with him. He seems to be enjoying all his curves.

I came across this online, and have taken it as inspiration for this in-between time.

I’ve been making sure to do something fun and values-based for myself at least once each week. I think I’m hitting a good balance of solo and social adventures. I’m also being patient with myself when I need to just rest and recover for a day or two. Here are a few photos and videos from my October outings. 

Psycho with the NY Philharmonic (with my brother and sister in law)

Spooky Spine and Wine with the Bionic Project (with new scoli-friends)

Hocus Pocus at the Rooftop Cinema Club (solo)

Death Becomes Her on Broadway (solo)

No Kings Protest in Brooklyn (with a new friend)

Petey USA at Webster Hall (solo)

Hike in Fahnestock State Park (with my brother and sister-in law, and her coworkers) during a weekend upstate.

George Takei speaking at Brooklyn Public Library for Banned Books Week (with new friends)

George Takei speaks out against censorship at BPL Banned Books Week event

I’ve also been taking Broadway Jazz classes at Mark Morris

And taking Rex and Bella to Fort Greene park, reading under the trees 📚🍂

Brooklyn really goes all out for Halloween!

And Ethan Hawke lives in the neighborhood! I was too shy to trick-or-treat him though 🙈

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I enjoyed handing out candy with our fam, though!

I miss all my former clients and think of you every day! I always enjoy hearing from you and I’m sending you lots of love back. ☺️

Thank you all for reading and sharing this space with me. I hope it inspires you to keep forging ahead on your own wellness journeys, even when it’s exhausting and confusing and lonely and time-sucking. And to still spend time on the activities that give you more life.

Happy Scorpio Season! 

Love, Renée 🦂

Happy fall, y’all! In the past few weeks, I’ve met with the orthopedic spine surgeon I mentioned before, a physical therapist, and an orthopedic hip surgeon. I like all 3 of these providers. I felt heard, understood, and collaborated with in these appointments. I felt like the focus was on addressing what I am feeling in my body rather than fixing a deformity. Yay! 

The spine surgeon took a new set of X-rays and reviewed all the imaging I’ve had done since 2010. She was visibly surprised to see the progression since 2010. She said that my curves do not seem to have progressed since I saw her last year, so that is encouraging. Surgically she would still focus on the L-4 to S-1 region rather than fusing my whole thoracic and lumbar spine. She recommended non-operative pain management, including Schroth physical therapy and a TFESI (Transforaminal Epidural Steroid Injection, a procedure where a steroid and local anesthetic are injected near a specific nerve root in the spine to relieve pain). She also referred me for a left hip evaluation to see if the labral tear is contributing more to my hip pain than the scoliosis. The first available appointment I could get with pain management is October 27. Meanwhile, I have 8 visits of Schroth PT scheduled in October. 

The hip surgeon reviewed my hip MRI and confirmed a significant tear in my left labrum. He gave me a lidocaine injection into the hip to help determine whether hip surgery would be helpful. It gave me some relief, but just for a few hours the following day. He concluded that the labral tear in my left hip is contributing to some of my pain, but not all of it. He recommends doing an arthroscopic hip surgery to repair the labrum. That is a less invasive surgery than the spinal surgery, and hopefully, it will decrease my hip pain. It’s about an hour-long surgery, I would go home the same day, and be able to return to dance or undergo spinal surgery in about 5 months. Having stronger hips should reduce my back pain and help support my spine, whether I decide to have surgery to correct the scoliosis or just focus on halting the progression of the curves through Schroth therapy. If I forgo the hip surgery and have the spine surgery, the tear in my hip could get worse and then it will be more risky to repair it with hardware in my back.

I am still very fearful of having any surgeries, but I’m hopeful that the team I’m building will help me decide what is best for me. I know I do not want to have the T2-pelvis fusion. I’m still trying to decide if the smaller surgeries are worth the risks and recovery time, and if now is the right time to have them. I’m grateful for having the time and space to decide this for myself, but it is an exhausting process. In addition to the 2 surgeons, I also have an appointment with a Sports Medicine doctor (not a surgeon), whose specialties include dance injuries, scheduled for October 10. I’m hoping that she can give me more information about the non-operative route and help me decide which is best for me. 

The ballet intensive was great, and it affirmed for me that being able to dance is crucial for my quality of life. I enjoyed being back in ballet class and performing. I got re-acquainted with my physical imbalance, met new people, learned an interesting adage, and saw myself differently- in the mirror, in other’s eyes, and as I watched the performance video. Two women came up to me in class and asked if I had scoliosis. When I said yes, the first said that she, too, has scoliosis, and added, “I am really inspired seeing you here because you’re killing it, so it clearly hasn’t slowed you down at all.” The second asked what my doctors thought of me doing ballet, and when I answered, “They advised against it,” she said, “I’m glad you didn’t listen to them.” Those brief exchanges were really powerful for me. I felt seen as a dancer again, and also seen in a new way- as a Scoliosis Warrior. 💚

I attended a Broadway jazz class today, which was a lot of fun. I’ve also been attending reformer Pilates classes, which seem to be improving my strength without increasing my pain. I am attending support groups, putting energy into new friendships here, and even dating. I changed up my hair. I had a theater friend from New Orleans come visit for a weekend, which was really nice.

I also went to my first Renaissance Fair! 🧚

For now, I’m planning to complete 8 weeks of Schroth therapy and get the epidural injection to see if that combination may be effective in managing my pain. I’m also going to continue dancing and Pilates. If my pain improves with these non-operative treatments, I think my doctors would all support me in delaying surgery for the foreseeable future. In that case, I will reopen my practice and get on with my life here! If my pain has not improved, I may go ahead with the hip surgery, and then figure out my next move once I recover from that.

Another piece of the puzzle that I haven’t shared much about is financial. I applied for disability benefits in January, and my application is still under review. That, along with changes to Medicaid, has been impacting my decision process as well. Even for a social worker, these systems are hard to navigate!

I know I am making progress, but I keep finding myself in the contemplation stage in the Stages of Change model. I’m definitely not where I hoped to be by now. But so it goes.

To my former clients, I always love hearing from you! I’ve been writing responses to all your messages in my journal. If we resume working together (that is an “if” because that will be up to you, not just me), I will have them to send you if you’d like! No matter where you are in your therapy journey, I am proud of you! There is so much chaos and hatred in our socio-political environment right now. Please choose love for yourself. I know most of us are spinning through all the feelings on the Feelings Wheel on a daily basis, and that is ok! Practice grounding in ways that feel good for you. Reach out to your supports. My referral list will stay up on my site for anyone who would like professional support while my practice is closed. I am still feeling confident I will reopen my practice, but I still can’t say when that will be. In the meantime, thank you for being present and patient through this process. I’m holding lots of love, hope, and gratitude for all of you. 

Have a splendid spooky season! 👻

It’s the 10th anniversary of this post I wrote about anniversaries, so I thought it’d be cool to repost it.

https://reneegaubert.com/2015/08/31/anniversaries/

Anniversaries are cornerstones in therapeutic journeys. Therapy is a safe space to share the unique experience we have on anniversaries. Like having one foot standing in the past and one in the present, we often feel split open on anniversaries in a way that the people we share the only the present moment with just don’t understand. Particularly if that past moment was traumatic.

In sessions I use anniversaries as opportunities to reflect on growth and change. We can often see how much progress we’ve made and feel pride at how far we’ve come. Other times, we can see how much we are still struggling to overcome. Even 20 years later, scars can still like fresh wounds. It becomes glaringly obvious what has not changed. I know a lot of my fellow Katrina survivors are feeling that way lately. We may recognize that we still utilize unhealthy coping skills we thought we would have released by now, like self-harm, substance misuse, or disordered eating. Sometimes that invites feelings of shame and powerlessness. But how we meet that shame is always new- we can remember with compassion and grace this time, develop a new insight, change the language we use, build and add and reshape the meaning of a memory-and therein lies our power. So even that is a poignant illustration of the truth that I’ve found to be the most effective inoculation against suicide- I can’t promise things will be better than they are right now, but I can promise they will change. Even if what we are observing is unchanged, our lens is. It must be. We can trust time to take care of that much.

I’ve just celebrated my 18th anniversary with my own therapist, and I’ve been fortunate to celebrate many anniversaries with my own clients. Having to close my practice and interrupt the flow of time in our therapeutic relationships has been painful, but it has not interrupted the flow of my love for each of my former clients. It was really beautiful to have the time to intentionally terminate and reflect together on all the ways my clients changed in therapy with me. And if we are able to resume our work together, I look forward to exploring the ways we’ve changed apart as well.

As the English novelist and playwright W. Somerset Maugham once said, “We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.” I hope reading this post and repost will inspire you to reflect on your own anniversaries in new ways. May we all, changing, continue to love our changed selves.