Anniversaries

It’s the 10th anniversary of this post I wrote about anniversaries, so I thought it’d be cool to repost it.

https://reneegaubert.com/2015/08/31/anniversaries/

Anniversaries are cornerstones in therapeutic journeys. Therapy is a safe space to share the unique experience we have on anniversaries. Like having one foot standing in the past and one in the present, we often feel split open on anniversaries in a way that the people we share the only the present moment with just don’t understand. Particularly if that past moment was traumatic.

In sessions I use anniversaries as opportunities to reflect on growth and change. We can often see how much progress we’ve made and feel pride at how far we’ve come. Other times, we can see how much we are still struggling to overcome. Even 20 years later, scars can still like fresh wounds. It becomes glaringly obvious what has not changed. I know a lot of my fellow Katrina survivors are feeling that way lately. We may recognize that we still utilize unhealthy coping skills we thought we would have released by now, like self-harm, substance misuse, or disordered eating. Sometimes that invites feelings of shame and powerlessness. But how we meet that shame is always new- we can remember with compassion and grace this time, develop a new insight, change the language we use, build and add and reshape the meaning of a memory-and therein lies our power. So even that is a poignant illustration of the truth that I’ve found to be the most effective inoculation against suicide- I can’t promise things will be better than they are right now, but I can promise they will change. Even if what we are observing is unchanged, our lens is. It must be. We can trust time to take care of that much.

I’ve just celebrated my 18th anniversary with my own therapist, and I’ve been fortunate to celebrate many anniversaries with my own clients. Having to close my practice and interrupt the flow of time in our therapeutic relationships has been painful, but it has not interrupted the flow of my love for each of my former clients. It was really beautiful to have the time to intentionally terminate and reflect together on all the ways my clients changed in therapy with me. And if we are able to resume our work together, I look forward to exploring the ways we’ve changed apart as well.

As the English novelist and playwright W. Somerset Maugham once said, “We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.” I hope reading this post and repost will inspire you to reflect on your own anniversaries in new ways. May we all, changing, continue to love our changed selves.