I hit some roadblocks in healthcare coverage. At first, this frustrated me, but now I am grateful that it gave me an extra month to pause and reflect before going ahead with the surgery plan I was given before my move. Coincidentally, my snake Kaa was also just diagnosed with an irreversible spinal condition, and I’ve been struggling with that as well. I’ll share more about that in another post soon.
It was fitting that I arrived here in June, as June was National Scoliosis Awareness Month. Since arriving here, I’ve been able to just be– not working, not traveling, or packing or moving. It has allowed me to reach a new level of awareness of my scoliosis and myself. On June 26, I was able to attend a Scoliosis Meetup in Manhattan, hosted by a fellow dancer with scoliosis! In the 27 years I’ve had this diagnosis, I’ve only ever organically come across one other person with the condition (“I have scoliosis,” – “Me, too!”). But here, I was in a room with 10+ other people with scoliosis, specifically to talk about it. Rather than it being the trait I hope no one notices, the trait of mine that is unseen and unimportant, it was the trait that was shared. Celebrated, even. It was surreal, in a great way.
I was able to meet and speak with several women who had spinal fusion surgeries to correct their scoliosis. I spoke with a dancer and a physical therapist who have had spinal fusion surgeries, and both are thriving in their careers. Most people who have spinal fusion surgery are not fused to the pelvis, but I did speak with one woman who had the surgery that 5 out of the 6 surgeons I have met with recommended for me- fusing T2-pelvis. I also met and spoke with women who have not had spinal fusion surgery and are managing their pain in other ways, including a weight lifter and one of her training clients over 70 years young. Most importantly, I felt community. I felt accepted exactly as I am and supported in whichever choice I make from here.
The increased awareness I gained in June by engaging with the scoliosis community and hearing stories of life after spinal fusion surgery has been followed by increased contemplation in July about whether the surgery plan I was given is really right for me.
All the surgeons I met with in New Orleans encouraged me to have the surgery here in New York for 2 reasons- New York has the best spinal surgeons, and I have family support here. But New York also has many nonsurgical treatment options that were not available to me in New Orleans, and having the financial support of my family is allowing me the time and energy to explore those treatment options as if it’s my full-time job. Having my brother and sister-in-law with me daily as witnesses and emotional supports through this is a game-changer, and I’m so grateful to them.
I am thankful for having the time and space for my awareness to grow lately; to learn more about the surgery from people who have had it before moving ahead with it, and to have time to develop a daily movement routine that supports the body I have now and reduces my pain without medication.
One of the surgeons I consulted with here in October did offer a different plan than the other 5. She recommended focusing on the deformity at the base of my spine, “likely tethered L5 nerve root,” rather than straightening the S curve. At that time, the idea of going through one spinal surgery and recovery just to have to have another larger one soon after sounded unappealing. But the relief I have experienced since reading Tight Hip, Twisted Core: The Key to Unresolved Pain by Christine Koth and using the manual therapy tools she designed has shifted my perspective about the true cause of my pain. So I have a follow-up appointment with that surgeon scheduled for next month. I also have appointments planned with a sports medicine specialist who has a dance background and specializes in treating dancers, as well as a functional medicine doctor. I am also hopeful that I may have better luck with physical therapy here, as there are more providers trained in Schroth therapy, which is specifically designed for scoliosis patients.
Having this time to slow down and rediscover who I am beneath what I do has been transformative. Beneath the therapist, the performer, the teacher is a whole person in her own body.
I attended a creative writing workshop in my new neighborhood a couple of weeks ago that was very inspiring. One of the prompts was to write about something that was once lost and then found. I wrote about rediscovering the part of myself that first moved here to dance in 2014. Here is an excerpt from a post I wrote in 2015 after living here for a year that captures that part of myself well.
Where I am in my life right now is about genuine self-expression. I spent a lot of my childhood and adolescence suffering and hiding. Self-expression through creative words and movement kept me alive. Dancing and writing poetry are how I have honored my experiences, acknowledged my pain, and found beauty in my vulnerability and my strength. As a child, dance class was the one place where it was safe to be in my body and have fun. I started practicing yoga as a teenager to heal my body and my spirit. My development as a professional dancer was a development of that healing.
I worked hard to build a life and career focused on alleviating other people’s suffering, and drawing on my painful experiences to help others. I am very proud of the work I did as a social worker and I know I changed people’s lives. I was still suffering. Moving to New York and turning my focus to dance and yoga has been about letting genuine self-expression drive my life, rather than finding it despite my life. I am not just my body, but I am in this body. Taking ownership of my body and sharing it on my own terms is hugely powerful and healing.
That was really powerful for me to re-read. Once again I am in a position where I’ve taken a hiatus from my career as a therapist to focus on my body. I need to remember that I am not just my body, but I am in this body. Surgeons see skeletal deformities and their ability to correct them. As the adage goes, “If the only tool in your toolbox is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” The more I worked to accept the limitations on my body that would come with a full spinal fusion, the stronger I felt that limiting movement is not the answer for me; I think it’s about finding the right movements for me and my spine.
Now I am focusing on the life I want to live in this body, and finding a team of healthcare providers who can truly support me in creating and maintaining that life. I named my website moving-through-trauma because that is my mission statement. I believe trauma is not something you get over, but something you move through. I have moved through my own trauma through dance, yoga, and psychotherapy, and I love helping others move through theirs as well.
I miss my former clients terribly. If you are reading this, please know that I think of you every day, I am so grateful for the work we did together, and proud of you for all you do. I want to get back to sharing virtual space with you! But I don’t want to re-open my practice prematurely, so I am waiting until I have established a team of providers I trust to make a decision about surgery. I will post any updates here as soon as I have them. I cherish each of the messages you send me and send so much love back to you.
You can handle any curves (scoliosis pun intended) along the road as you move through your trauma, too. You are allowed to take the time you need to pause and reflect before taking the next step. And you deserve to find safe and supportive people to join you on the journey.
Love,
Renée
P.S. Had to share a cute video from our July 4th weekend upstate. Hektor loves chasing his ball, and my pets love supervising.
P.P.S. Kaa was sitting on my shoulder while I wrote this post; he says “hi!” 🐍
Renée Gaubert, LCSW 
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