Asking for Help

As a therapist, I have emphasized the importance of honoring our needs and asking for help meeting them. I always say the goal is neither independence nor dependence, but interdependence. Planning for my surgery has been a great opportunity for me to practice this myself. I asked for help from friends and family before leaving for Ireland, but ended up preparing my condo to list for sale largely by myself. After returning from Ireland, it became clear I needed even more help packing to get on the road. So I asked again. My best friend flew in from SC last weekend to help me, and took the pic above on one of our walks. My brother is going to fly in on May 30th and help me load up the car, then drive with me to Orlando so we can go to Disney World and Universal Studios together. I’m really excited to get to have some sibling-fun-time (Renée ™️) before the surgery!

So I wanted to update y’all that I’ll now be getting on the road on June 1 instead of tomorrow, and also share that sometimes we need to ask for help more than once. I felt really vulnerable and uncomfortable sharing just how much difficulty I am having both physically and emotionally, going through all my possessions and those of my now-deceased parents, and deciding what to take with me. This condo is where I lived when Katrina hit, and while I feel ready to leave New Orleans, closing this door for good is really hard. Bending, lifting, and walking are also really hard! So I am having to grieve the body I had even just a month ago, and accept that my capabilities are more limited now. But with the support of my therapist and my wise mind, I was able to tolerate that discomfort and ask for help more desperately. Even typing the word “desperately” still feels uncomfortable, but it’s accurate!

Unfortunately, one of my closest friends has not shown up for me even after I made the ask several times and shared how hurt I was by her absence. I think it’s important to share that here too, because when we honor our needs and ask others to meet them, it doesn’t always turn out like we hoped. Some people are not able to meet those needs, and that is disappointing. One of the thoughts I uncovered was, “If I ask for help, and I don’t get it, it will hurt worse than if I didn’t ask.” But it clarifies the dynamic of the relationship and ultimately allows us to better meet our needs elsewhere. So while asking for help has led to grieving the friend who has not shown up, it has also deepened my relationships with the people who have. The connection, gratitude, and hope I feel now is greater than before I asked for help. I hope this inspires you to honor your needs, especially when they change, and ask for help. We all deserve support!

P.S. If you’re ready to ask a therapist for help, click below for my updated referral list. I’ve added clinicians licensed in AZ and CA as well.